The things they say

Miss Bryan!  Do you see what we’re doing?  We’re totally being The Church.

or

Yeah!  We’re fulfilling the Great Commission!

or

At the beginning of the year, we only talked about ourselves, but now we always refer to ‘us’ because we’re a family.

I hear my students say these things a lot these days.  Sometimes, I think they say it because they love how I react when they do.  Most of the time, however, they say it without thinking, and they mean it.  I love hearing sixth graders talk about being the church.  We were at Voice of the Martyrs, helping the ministry spread the word about believers.  We were very much being the church.

My goal this year has been to help my kids realize that kindness and encouragement could be beneficial.  One of my girls was talking to me today about how the class didn’t seem as selfish as they used to because she kept hearing people talk about the group, the us, the we,  like we were a community.  I get this bubbly feeling when I hear them say things like that.

I’ve now officially survived my second Spirit Week.  (See previous blog about last year’s Spirit Week.)  Last year was such a struggle and I understood exhaustion.  This year went much more smoothly.  I’m convinced that I terrified my students all year into thinking Spirit Week was going to be incredibly challenging (and it can be!), but I think they rose to the challenge this year.  I honestly didn’t know if they could get over their competitiveness and work as a team.  (We actually had some long discussions because Spirit Week is essentially a competition between teams led by sixth graders, yet I refused to let them be competitive in class.)  They surprised me with how well they worked together.

Sometimes I get rather prideful about these things, especially when the kids tell me, “You know, we couldn’t do this if it weren’t for a good teacher helping us.”  (Seriously.)  It’s not a surprise that I love my job.  I love getting up in the morning and doing battle with my crazy group of almost-teenagers who sometimes forget to brush their teeth, sometimes forget that I’m not their mom, and sometimes forget to do their homework.  I love talking to them about life and Jesus and what God is doing.  I love talking to them about how math and science and language are all related, but even more how they are related to God. I love challenging them to look critically at themselves and their actions and change.  I love seeing them change.  Sometimes I forget, however, that I’m not the one bringing about the change.  God is doing great things in our small school.  In five days, the elementary raised more than 7,000 lbs. of food for a homeless ministry.

I feel blessed to be used in the lives of these sixth graders.  However, I sometimes forget to have a life outside of my classroom and my school.  My close friends are teachers who know all my students.  It is hard to put my Miss Bryan character aside and remember how to be Stephanie.  I’m so rarely even called Stephanie these days.

Suffice it to say, the whole ‘getting my life balanced’ plan isn’t quite finished yet.  I, actually, just found out a few seconds ago that there was a plan at all, so that’s a pretty valid excuse.

So these last few paragraphs have been something of a downer.  I shall now make a list of exciting things in my life.

1. I bought a new brown beret today.  I now own three berets, and that is very exciting news.

2. I purchased a new computer for myself.  I’ve not quite decided what to name it.  Write now it’s between Bernis, Lyle and Hamilton.  We are becoming good friends.

3. The Olympics are soon.

4. I have a stack of at least ten books that need to be read.  Joy!

5. I have built at least five fires in the last two weeks.  I am very much a professional at this skill.

I now feel I have achieved an emotional balance of positives and negatives with this post.  I do hope you’ve enjoyed yourself.

Yes, well

I know you’re thinking to yourself, “It’s been 76 years since she last wrote anything on here.”

It’s true.  You’re right.  Continue to think those sarcastic thoughts.  I don’t mind;  I have been living.

Realizations:  (Most I was already aware of, but still… they should be re-stated for the readers’ benefit)

• I am an adult
• I like books and quiet
• I adore teaching sixth graders
• I, also, adore laughing
• Combine sixth graders and laughing and it is a good day all around
• I like shoes

Such good realizations I have come to lately.  By lately I, of course, mean within the last four years of my life. It’s taken me awhile to accept the adult thing.  This summer I went through a month-long period of trying to remember what high school was like.  I still barely remember it, but it comes back in bits and pieces.

I still love my job and life.  God is so good to me with the blessings and such.  It has been a long time since I have felt pointless.  I feel very used in that good way.  Often I have no idea what I am doing, and yet I see my kids learning and growing (and laughing, don’t forget the laughing).

I truly love discipleship.  I’ve gotten to come along side some lovely young ladies and be their friend.  I don’t get to spend as much time as I would like, but I get to love them.  I get to listen to them (I do enjoy the listening) tell me stories of life as a teenager.  Then I get to tell them stories about how life will, certainly, get better.

Of course, as I do all the time, I have spent some good time in my reflection cloud.  You should have been around me this summer.  It was positively a contemplative fog.  Lately, as the two year anniversary of my crazy Wisconsin life came about, I have re-reflected on that whole experience.  How blessed I am to have traveled through that winter.  Depending on my mood, I remember crying a lot or laughing a lot.  It seems both of these things happened, a lot.

We’ve been talking about the ‘God Story’ for The Truth Project my school is going through.  I see the little story I have been blessed to live playing out in the big picture of what God is doing.  How crazy to think that I randomly chose a leadership development camp to spend my winter of discontent.  Then this job that requires me to develop leaders just happens to show up because of a friend who I thought I had successfully cut out (one of my most refined skills- the cutting out of friends).  How good He is to me.  We know this, right?  This part of the story is not new.  What is great is that God is still being faithful to remind me that this part of my story is good.

When my kids last year ‘graduated’ everyone went on and on about ‘my impact’ and ‘how great I am’.  I, of course, humbly took their compliments (Why, yes, I do know I’m amazing.  Let me tell you some other reasons why you should love and adore me.)  and forgot them.  I act so much differently than I think.  I don’t hear the kind things people say.  I wish I did.   One of the teachers told me to truly listen to what my kids were saying about what they learned.  I did; I was kind of astounded at what they said.  I still don’t think I can really grasp what God did through my little effort of a first year.  Whatever I say about how impressive I am, I know who’s really taking care of this thing.

This year has been a blast.  I’ve gotten to take my rag tag group of competitive talkers and try to build a family.  We’re still working on it.  I won’t let them leave me without liking each other.  We compliment every day.  We encourage.  We build up and stop tearing down.  I’m trying to teach them that it’s okay to love.  They love me.  I’m good at making that happen.  I’m excited to see where my chickens end up at the end of the year.  I feel so pointed in the plan I have for them.  There are focused goals, and I can see them being achieved.

So yes, that’s quite an update.  I don’t know why I have this thing. I am not a blogger.  However, there are people in my life that I want to know things.  Does that make sense?  I like that they read this and can see inside my head.  I think that they like it too.  I don’t get to talk to them much, especially about the deeper things.  Even if you are not in my life and you are reading this, I hope you can understand the whirlwind that is me.  It’s a fun place, my life.

Feeling my age.

It seems in an effort to reflect on my first year of teaching, I’ve gone all the way back to my actual ‘first year of teaching’!

When I tell stories about why I decided (or let’s rephrase and say, “Why God decided) I should become a teacher, it usually has to do with this group of kids:The summer after I graduated from high school, I worked at McClure park as a day camp counselor.  I’m not sure how I ended up with that job.  It was definitely a God-thing.  My days were filled with kids, field trips, crafts, games, capture-the-flag and the pool.  It was pretty sweet.

Even though I was the youngest counselor at the camp, I ended up being in charge of the oldest kids.  At the time the age difference between 11-12 and 18 seemed to be a lot.  These precious campers have now graduated from high school.  The age difference sure doesn’t seem to be that great now.  Rarely do I feel old.  I am a ‘spry’ 25-year-old who can still pass herself off as a reasonably cool person.  But these kids are the same age I was when I met them!  I don’t like this thought at all.

I only remember bits and pieces about that summer.   I’m reasonably certain we spent a lot of time arguing and/or beating each other up. . .

nnnEven though it was frustrating, I loved it.  Seriously, these weird random kids changed my life, and they have no idea.  I had no desire to work with kids when I was in high school.  I didn’t even think about the possibility until my summers as a day camp counselor.

God did some really cool stuff in my life when I went to Missouri.  It was my ‘Egypt’ time.  At the end of my freshmen year, when I really sat down and examined my life.  This group of kids stood out.  I wanted to have a life in which I could play/work/teach/help kids like them.  I liked that they had frustrated me!

They still star in the stories I tell. I really enjoyed these kids and learned a lot from them.  For instance, never let kids play with beads on the first day you meet them.  There will be beads everywhere within five minutes.  Also, never bite a child.  It makes for a good story, but it’s never a good idea.  Another one:  kids know when you have favorites- always.

Some of the time, I really wasn’t good at being a camp counselor (see biting-a-child sentence).  I think that’s why I liked it so much.  So much of my life has been ‘easy’.  Working with kids was something that could be a consistent challenge.

It’s the same way with teaching.  I’m not anywhere close to being a good teacher.   I make mistakes but I love the learning process of it.  It’s a pain to have to admit I did something wrong, but I like when I can fix something or do something better as a result.

Some of these kids are now my facebook friends.  My graduated-from-high-school-facebook-friends! I feel like I’ve gone full circle here.  I had them when they were in sixth grade.  Now they’ve become my age when they met me, and I’m back to working with sixth graders again.  I should have known my life would be full of sixth graders.

Confident-less

¹² Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. ¹³ Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, ¹⁴ I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.. . .

^{. . . 20} For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, ²¹ who will transform our lowly body that it may be conformed to His glorious body, according to the working by which He is able even to subdue all things to Himself.

So my first year of school is wrapping up, and it is insane.  I kind of wished I taught a grade that could have a steady downward slide toward the last day of school.  Althought I’m not actually sure that kind of class exists.  The end of our year is currently looking much like a roller coaster.  I have one week from now until May 19th in which we will actually be in the classroom for five days without any kind of field trip or huge event.  It’s kind of exciting.

This semester we’ve been studying Philippians, right?  It’s been kind of intense and kind of challenging.  I’m not a huge fan of the curriculum we’re using to study Paul’s letter.  We study a few verses a week but I’m not sure if we’re getting the overarching feel for the book. Basically I’m not feeling confident that the kids are gaining a lot from it.

Things they are learning

1. Paul wrote it

2. Paul wrote a lot of books

3. Paul had an interesting and crazy life

4. Paul does not have a one track mind- he goes off on tangents.  We like him for that.

5. Paul is sometimes sarcastic (case in point- ¹⁵ Therefore let us, as many as are mature, have this mind; and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal even this to you.)  Okay, he might not really be that sarcastic but I can here him thinking, “Oh, don’t worry. . . God’s watching,” or something along those lines.

6. Philippians is trying to tell us not to worry about the things or people in our lives that are not honoring God.  Instead, we should try to make sure that we are honoring God.  This concept really plays into the idea of sanctification that we have been focusing on.

Okay, so those aren’t bad things to learn but honestly, I don’t know if these kids care that much about them.  I feel like I’m talking talking talking at them and I’m not sure what’s sinking in.  I think it might be teaching me more than them.  We’re kind of stuck in this rut of ‘what is sanctification and how can we apply it to our lives?’  Sixth graders don’t handle ruts well.  As a whole, I don’t think they are at an application stage yet.  Maybe I’m just preparing them for later when it will mean something?

All this to say, I’m not feeling very confident which is funny in light of the fact that we are studying Philippians (being confident of this. . . ).  How about another list?

Things I am not confident about:

1. My bible teaching.  Thankfully though, I am having some major brainwaves about curriculum improvements for next year.  I’m excited to see where God takes the incoming class.
2. The end of the year ‘Sixth Grade Graduation’ my class is doing.  I have no idea if it will be any good.  Currently it’s high on the ‘cheesy’ factor, but I think it might require a certain about of sappiness to be successful.
3. My discipline skills.  It’s almost the end of the year and we are barely surviving and I have the dream class.  I am combating this by repeating the mantra, “This is my first year, this is my first year, this is my first year.”
4. My place in this world (as she starts to hum some Michael W. Smith)- Yesterday we looked at Philippians 3:20. For me this is an intense verse that reminds me that the way I am currently feeling (no idea if I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing when and where I’m supposed to do it) is an adequate enough feeling because I just don’t belong here. However, I was trying to explain this to my kids and it was incredibly hard.  I was talking about how we should never feel ‘comfortable’ in the world, but honestly, I don’t know what that looks like for sixth graders. I was explaining how C.S. Lewis called Christians ‘immortals’ because that’s what we are.  We are going to live forever- forever!  But I don’t know how to get them to think that way and I’m not sure if they should yet.  I think they wanted to understand- there were some good questions about how to live in their culture (along with a lengthy lecture from me about the struggles with living in their culture (thank you HoneyRock)).  It’s something I need to ponder more.
5. Also- I’m feeling this weird draw toward high school aged people and I have no idea what’s causing that.  I didn’t like high school aged people when I was one and I’ve never been super into working with youth groups.  I’m going to see where God leads me in this but I’m feeling a discipleship aspect of my life starting to form.  I have always love discipling.  Maybe this isn’t a confident-less thing but it is something that would be fun to start doing again.
   

No worries though, Paul is helping me out.  I’m forgetting what lies ahead and remembering that he began something in my life and the life of my sixth graders.  I’m confident that he is working out its completion as you read this.  That is something to celebrate, no?

I’m sorry

Oh bloggy friend, how sorry I am to have been gone so long.  I think it was a combination of 1. not being in a very reflective mood 2. an incessant tiredness that won’t leave 3. a feeling that I have to write witty things and a not very witty mood and 4. books.  They’ve completely taken over my life.  No, seriously, I can’t do anything but read lately.

But I do have pictures to share and stories to tell, so here I am.

Spring Break:  I took Abbie and Jackson to the zoo.  I also brought along a sixth grader.  She was such fun to have.  I should really look into using sixth graders any time I have some additional baby-sitting/work that could potentially exhaust me.  We had a great time!  I love being a sixth grade teacher at my school because it is so incredibly about the relationship building.  I get to be a shepherd to these kiddos, and I get to be their friend.  Woot.

Abigail, Jackson and Abbie.  Jackson couldn’t really understand how there were two Abbies, but he quickly learned her name.  Young Abbie fell completely in love.

My loves:  I wish I could spend more time with these cuties.  It seems that my job is eating away all time and energy I have to do anything. However, I love it.  It was great to spend some time with these kiddos.  Note to self:  make plans with them again soon.

My birthday:  Eek!  I’m finally 25.  Yes, I know, you’re shaking your head.  Well, that’s what everyone around me did on my birthday.  Apparently I am just a spring chicken or some other sort of young thing.  I like being young, but I don’t feel my age yet.  I feel that I’m in some wierd ‘age-less’ place where I might think of myself as a college student or an adult depending on the situation.  I’m not sure how to get out of it.

My students decided to celebrate!  I think it’s just an excuse to have snacks, but oh well.  My birthday was the day we got back from Spring Break.  I’ve been trying to talk them into forgetting my birthday since school started.  It didn’t work.

Things to note:  Sixth graders singing operatic happy birthday.  Amazing and beautiful vases of flowers.  My desk and how it was attacked.  I believe there were 72 balloons waiting to greet me on my birthday morning.

It was a good birthday.  That was just last week.  Wow.  It seems that sixth graders are experiencing an acute case of sixthgrader-itis.  They are so ready to be done.  There is so much happening in our sixth grade lives.  This being said, it is hard to keep the excitement inside.  We had to have many lengthy talks last week about behavior, reputation and our expectations of ourselves and God’s expectations of His people.  At one point I believe I uttered the word, ‘disappointed.”  We all know the power of that word.

Oh the precious little guys, they are trying.  I can see it in their faces.  They just want to be up and moving and going crazy.  As do I, it would seem.  I got a package in the mail today about an amazing outdoor education program on an island near Seattle.  I am almost desperate in my new-found love and desire to be a part of this program.  It will have to wait, I know, but oh my goodness, I want to dream about it.

This has been a random post, but thus is my life.  I can’t say it is very impressive.  However, later this week I will have a pretty fun opportunity to watch and serve with my sixth graders.  I always learn a lot from this, ‘not-at-school-yet-highly-educational’ experiences.  We shall definitely see.

We’ve got spirit. Yes, we do.

“I’m the sixth grade teacher, and it’s Spirit Week.”

This quote has been said various times in various levels of hysteria throughout this week.

Spirit Week! An explanation

My school has a food drive for John 3:16 Mission. An organization that serves the homeless and at-risk people of Tulsa. My school donates more than any other group. This is really cool because we are not a large school, yet God uses us to do great things.

I am the sixth grade teacher.  I think we have already established this concept.  Sixth graders at my school are the ‘leaders’.  We have been building up and preparing for this week since we started school in August.  This is a huge thing for the sixth grade- seriously.  They are in charge of a team of elementary students for a week.  They must call, give prizes, organize and encourage their team to memorize verses, read the Bible and bring lots and lots of food.  There are mountains of canned goods, ramen, macaroni, beans, rice and a wide assortment of other sundries that cover the stage.  It’s insane.  The sixth graders also must keep track of who on their team does what each day, and they must move all the donated food from the halls of the school to the sanctuary.

It’s been fun.  We get to dress up in crazy outfits every day and enjoy our lives.

However, as you will recall: I am the sixth grade teacher, and it is Spirit Week.  My mom summed it up like this, “Stephanie, when your routine is off and things are not going how you expected them to- you go a little crazy.”  I agree with this statement- wholeheartedly. My sixth graders are doing a lot more work than I am this week so their stress level is understandable. I am doing a lot of sitting around, moving canned food and watching my sixth graders lead.  We are not doing a lot of ‘required school work’ which is really okay in the whole scheme of my ‘kids learn better when they are doing’ philosophy, but I am still overwhelmed with all that is going on.

I spent most of yesterday trying to hold back tears.  Someone made fun of something I said about icing on a birthday cake and my eyes teared up- then they brought it up again after recess and I had to walk away quickly.  They were talking about a birthday cake.  Seriously, a birthday cake made me cry.  For a minute I thought, “Oh no, not this again!”  Last winter, I spent a lot of time fighting back tears or just letting them flow.  I was being refined in a super intense way. It’s not an experience you want to repeat often.

Today, however, I’ve managed all right.  It’s still stressful; our schedule is still completely off, but we are surviving.  An interesting experience today: while I was building a tower out of cans, one of my girls sat down and was obviously about to cry.  She wouldn’t tell me what was wrong, so I hauled her out of the sanctuary and we had a chat.  She wasn’t feeling well and is completely overwhelmed with everything.  It’s like God knew I would need to empathize today.  I told her about my Teary Wednesday; we prayed about life.  I love that part of my job- so much.  Not the crying child part, but the part where I get to love and pray for and with my children.

Yes, that’s why I do this.  That’s why I put up with the craziness and insanity that is Spirit Week. (I’m the sixth grade teacher!) I like that we are serving the people of Tulsa; I like that we get to come together as a school and worship the Lord every day.  I like that the sixth graders get to be leaders.  But I love, I mean really love, that I get to sit and build towers of food while every single one of my students is doing the exact same thing.  I love that we get to have this whole experience together.  I love that.  I love that the weary faces of my students reflect my feelings at the end of the day. We are working so incredibly hard together- there is no better way to build our community.  This is teaching us so much more than I could if we were sitting in class talking about hyphens and semicolons.

The hysteria might stay with me, I might sleep through the entire day on Saturday, I might throw a package of ramen at an unsuspecting child tomorrow, but I will walk into class on Monday and know that our relationship is stronger because we served the Lord and built His Kingdom together.  Who wouldn’t want that?

http://www.persecution.com/

I’ve become overwhelmed with my students.  Not in a bad way, mind you, I’m overwhelmed at their hearts.

Okay, yes, there are days when they don’t get the language lesson or they don’t care about the language lesson and I get frustrated with them.  (Their teacher obviously doesn’t know how to not write run-on sentences and tends to add commas wherever she feels- but still.)  However, I then get to spend an entire day with them in which we get to serve the Lord and help, in a small way, to build his kingdom.

We’ve been studying the persecuted believers throughout the year.  I don’t know a lot about the situations around the world- but I did feel that it was something we could introduce and begin to ponder.  I would read them stories or talk to them about a country they’d never heard of in which believers were told they couldn’t believe.  It was amazing to see their responses.  They tend to remain still and quiet when they are seriously taking something to heart.  Some of our best conversations have come as a result of the few completely silent minutes I spend reading to them.  Our thoughts and comments generally center on the idea that We Are So Blessed!  What a life we lead- even getting to spend our days in a Christian school.  God is central to our school, our class and subsequently, hopefully, our lives.

So after spending all this time pondering, we took a field trip to Bartlesville on Friday.  Voice of the Martyrs is a ministry that aims to tell the world about the persecuted believers in other countries.  We took a tour and then spent two hours helping with various service projects.  I spent the afternoon folding boxes with my seven boys. We spent time thinking about where these boxes would get to go.  Because of our efforts someone would feel so much more connected with the Church!  (An aside- this is such a great example of a para-church ministry striving to build the church by filling a role the church often struggles with!)

I expect a lot from my class- they know it.  However, they blew me away.  We ended our afternoon by stuffing envelopes with books and then packing them in boxes.  I have never seen a group work so well together to accomplish a goal.  There was no arguing- just a smooth assembly line of kids working with amazingly positive attitudes (No I’m pretty sure this doesn’t count as cheap child labor)!  I would hear the kids say things along the lines of, “Wow, this is like really fun… and we’re like working really hard.”  (I will not stop here to make another point about their lacking language skills).

All that to say- Wow.  I love my class.  I love teaching and challenging them.  I was chatting with one of my parents on the drive about teaching them.  She made some interesting comments I am currently pondering.  She said that I’ve kind of shaken the teaching style of MVCS up-but in a very positive way.  I’d not thought a lot about that.  I love being creative, but I don’t think I’ve spent much time comparing my teaching style to those around me- how would I be able to do that even?  Sometimes I wonder if anything is getting across to them- if I’m doing anything right.  She also said that it was obvious that I loved them and care about them.  She said that kids know when there are favorites, and that they know that I love them all.  That’s a big deal with me- I always struggle with showing preference for kids.

I could continue on with this; it seems I have much to think about.  Hmm- it’s like that’s what I’m good at.  Do you think reflection could be a spiritual gift?